I was about to go off on one on Twitter about this, but then I remembered that I have a blog, so I might as well have this down here for posterity, right?
There is someone still in my house. It always freaks me out when this happens. The other three people I live with all have 9-5 jobs, and I don’t, so I’m used to having the house to myself and doing what I want, when I want. You might think that someone else being in the house wouldn’t actually stop me doing this, but for some reason, it massively does.
My thought process goes something a little bit like: I want to shower. But what if they also want to shower? Then I will be in their way. But I have rights, and needs, and I want to shower, and that’s okay. But what if they want to use that room? Then I’ll be preventing them from doing that. I’ll be making their day that little bit more aggravating. So I mustn’t shower. No, I must. I want to. I should be allowed to shower. … They’re not, NOT ALLOWING me to shower, what is with you, self? It’s ME who’s doing the ‘not allowing’. Just go and shower.
I am still typing this, so clearly I have not gone to shower.
I also don’t like to be in the kitchen when other people are in the house. I worry that I’ll make too much noise, that they’ll want to use the things I’m using, that there isn’t enough space for us both to be in the kitchen. That they would rather I wasn’t there.
It’s not as if my housemates have ever actually done or said anything to this effect, I am fully aware that this is mostly in my head. But it’s really fucking hard. I’m absolutely fine when I get the day to myself, and I wash up, and wash myself, and make copious cups of tea and listen to the radio (because THAT is what I do when I have the house to myself, I am just that rock and roll) and then everyone comes home at a certain time, which is fine, because I know that’s when the house will have people in again. I mean, I still don’t like going into the kitchen, but my housemates make dinner as soon as they come in and then pretty much stay in their living room, so I’m reasonably unlikely to bump into them in the evening.
If someone is unexpectedly still here during the day? I feel trapped in whatever room I happen to be in when I realise that someone is still here. So I’m pretty glad that I bothered to get up at half seven this morning, and have breakfast already. But now I want to shower, and I do not know what is happening in the rest of the house. Are they using the shower? Are they about to use the shower? Have they already used the shower?
This probably sounds really banal to people who don’t have anxiety issues – dude, no-one cares if you have a shower, just go and have the shower – and I understand that the actual act of having a shower is pretty banal, but the fact is that my brain goes through this process every single fucking time. I understand that I could go and have a shower, or use the kitchen, and it just would not be a problem, but then a part of me adds …but what if it is?. It is exhausting. It’s just mentally exhausting to have to talk myself out of being so wound up by someone else’s presence, constantly.
It doesn’t seem to matter who I live with, my housemates at the moment are actually quite nice and chilled out people.
The way that I socialise, though, is primarily to socialise outside of my house, unless I have specifically invited people into my house – and I don’t really like doing that, because then I can’t leave – so I don’t like the ‘surprise socialising’ which happens when you have vague acquaintances for housemates. Oh, we’re using the kitchen at the same time? Let’s make basic conversation so that we don’t seem rude. Oh, we’re heading to the shower at the same time? Let’s do a politeness dance about who gets to use it first.
When I’m in my house, I don’t want to have to remember how to put on my people-face. This is why I enjoy the internet; I get to completely control my level of interaction with people. When I leave the house, I like to have solid plans about what I’m going to do, how I will do that, and who I will meet. I also have back-up plans. These make my brain easier to handle. When I’m in my house? I don’t really want to socialise. I just don’t. I don’t see why I should have to, either.
It’s not even that my housemates enforce these conversations on me, I’m just terrified that I’m contravening some unspoken rules of not being rude by ignoring them, for the most part. I have enough trouble navigating social situations with people I don’t know very well outside of my house, I don’t need my social anxiety rearing its ugly head inside of my house.
I discussed this with Pie recently; I think one of our housemates was home for two days in a row, and we think we’ll probably move out in around a year, to a flat near Brixton. I’m really looking forward to that – although obviously flats pose other problems. I guess I just need to make soooo much monies that we can afford a whole entire house to ourselves.
Right, I’m going to go and shower now, because I think my housemate is in their lounge (YES! We have two ‘reception rooms’. It’s a really nice house, you should come over for tea and cake sometime.) so I can creep about without having any enforced socialisation.
